Ivan (IV Vasilyevich) killed his own son you know. He killed him, why he killed him? I don't want to jump into rationalities or any other logistics. All I know is, he killed him because he couldn't control his anger. He couldn't gather the strength to stop himself from doing a hideous task. He just couldn't. Despite the fact that he was his son, he still murdered him. He still committed this sin, he executed his own son and no matter how much sad he gets, how much tears he waste on it, nothing would bring him back. Nothing would bring his son back to life. Only if he would have controlled himself from committing this act. All the claims, all the associations and all the love was either too weak or never existed in the first place. I feel like Ivan today, I feel like Ivan the terrible.
I claim I have so much love for Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and yet I don't stop committing sins. I say He's my best friend, but I don't speak about the sins with him. I stay silent, I pray and I tell him everyday how great He is, How Gracious He is. Saying, ٱللَّٰهُ أَكْبَرُ … ٱللَّٰهُ أَكْبَرُ all day long. Saying He is the one, Saying He is the قادر. Stating I am his servant with all the claims of love and all the statements of the bond I have. Telling people around me that I trust Him. Telling my friends, I absolutely love Him. But this gap, this gap hurts me. I go against His will. I prioritized my needs over His Haq. But all the claims of love ? they're still in heart. I will continue saying I love Him, I will continue saying ٱللَّٰهُ أَكْبَرُ … ٱللَّٰهُ أَكْبَرُ all day long, I will not stop telling people how crazy I am for Him because I know no matter how much I sin and no matter how below I go. He's going to love me and He will always love me.
My Dear, My Dearest, My Allah, My Love, My Everything, My Rab, My Qadir, My Maalik:
I am the مٹی - Mold me in the way you love. Mold my whole existence. I know I am not the best of servants you have, I know I sin, I might not speak to you after I understand the depth of mistake I did but I will always love you. I will always be in the people who never forgets you, I will always be in the list of people who seek the peace of hurt with your love and your approval. I seek your forgiveness, I seek your forgiveness, I seek your forgiveness - Forgive me.
I might be the Ivan, I might go against the words I speak, I might not reflect my love through my actions sometimes but You- You're the Almighty and you said yourself:
وَجَزَٰٓؤُا۟ سَيِّئَةٍۢ سَيِّئَةٌۭ مِّثْلُهَا ۖ فَمَنْ عَفَا وَأَصْلَحَ فَأَجْرُهُۥ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّهُۥ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ
The reward of an evil deed is its equivalent. But whoever pardons and seeks reconciliation, then their reward is with Allah. He certainly does not like the wrongdoers. (40:42)
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